Telenovela are hell; Maria la del Barrio. A Short story.

 Would you rather get poisoned by a Witch or go through two fires in less than 24 hours or get your first born stolen by a woman who sells sausages on the street, well folks you don't need to make up your mind, because in the 90s in a Mexican telenovela "Maria la del Barrio" all those things happened to one person and why is that, well because in a telenovela, everyone's life is hell.

Maria's life is straight up diarrhea. She's poor as hell, she makes money picking trash from the ground and her entire family is dead, except her godmother who looks like a frog and eventually dies in Maria's arm on her 15th birthday after choking on a piece of Ham. Now Maria is left homeless and alone until one of the richest dude in Mexico sees her and is like, "hey Maria, you are hot and vulnerable teen and I'm going to adopt you and be your daddy". He takes her to live in his mansion. She meets his wife, who's like "if you touch me with those gross, dirty fingers I'll call the police". 

In her new home, Maria gets hooked up with her sick ass room that has a bidet, which is like a little bathtub but only for your ass. She quickly meets her adopted brother, Lewis Fernando, who's a ranging alcoholic bro that like to show off his rock hard breast, and she's like "You're hot" and he's like "cute ass" and the two of them falls in love. Unfortunately, Soraya Montenegro the vallian in this telenovela, who's evil and a piece of shit gets in the way of the couple. Soraya is horny for her cousin Lewis Fernando and she roofies him and convince him to have a nasty cousin intercourse with her, hoping that he'll fall in love with her except he doesn't, cause all he can think is about how much he loves his step sister, Maria. If you gonna do incest, you may as well skip your cousin and go directly with your step sister. Anyways, Soraya get so pissed that she wants to kill Maria. Luckily, her nanny who happens to be standing around hears and is like, "my side hustle is doing witchcraft". So she prepares a poison that'll kill Maria. Maria drinks the shit outta the poison water. Ill-fatedly for Soraya, it doesn't kill Maria, it just gave her diarrhea and makes her fart a bunch. 

When Soraya finds out that Maria isn't dead, she loses her goddamn mind and beats her nanny for not making the poison strong enough. This next level crazy. One day later, some creepy ass dude that has a broken arm for unexplained reasons threaten Soraya. He's like "I know you wanted to kill Maria, gimme 50 dollars or I'll call the police " and she's like "hell no am giving you nothing" so they fight and he pushes her out of the window. She falls twenty stories onto the concrete with her shoe landing directly above her head and well, she dies.

Maria quickly gets knocked up by her step brother, and you're like "yay, Maria's life is finally good and happy except, that doesn't happens in telenovelas. Out of the blue, she becomes schizophrenic, and runs away from the house, she give birth to the baby while in catatonic state and roams the street mentally ill and talking to walls. Until she meets a lady who sells sausages. And she like I'll trade you my baby for a sausage". then gave her newborn away.

Fourteen years pass, and we know because Ferdinando has grown a stunning stache that look like it's made of flat ironed pubic hair. We come to find out that Maria and Fernando's son is alive and he's a ginger. Maria and Lewis Fernando got reunited with their son, when he tried to rob their house because he need a little extra cash to buy weed. Even though she hasn't seen him since he was a fetus, Maria knows her son. 

Okay, remember when the vallian Soraya of this novela died, well she didn't die, she survived and married a super rich dude with a disabled daughter with huge wet braces. She immediately had him killed in a super painless death by having him ran over by a semi truck and inherited all his money. Stuck caring for his daughter who she abuses in one of the most dramatic scenes in television history, where she knocks over her wheelchair. 

Just when you think you can't handle anymore drama, Maria goes to jail for a crime which is never explained. As if her life wasn't garbage enough, the prison immediately catches on fire and Maria disappears into the flames. Maria doesn't die in the fire of course, she survived but got kidnapped by Soraya, who takes her to a shack which she then light on fire. Yes folks, that's two fires in one goddamn day.

Luckily, Fernando just so happens to be standing near the cabin in his continuous search for her and rescues her. They watched Soraya burn alive and are like "burn, queen, burn!".

One day later, everybody is supper happy, and not traumatized at all by the insane shit that just happened. And the disabled girl is walking again. The telenovela ends with Maria announcing that she's knocked up again while she and her step brother suck faces in front of a parrot.......

                                                 THE END